Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
