I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
