Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
