Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
