Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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