k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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