Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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