I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
