i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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