I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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