Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
