i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
