i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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