Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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