what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
