there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
