If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
