He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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