Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
