Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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