Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
