You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
