Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize