I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
