I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
