My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
