Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
