he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
