dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
try to milk me bitch
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