Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
