textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
