Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize