he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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