I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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