I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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