Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
