Banned from zoo.
Again?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
