I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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