and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Never underestimate the power of titties
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
