So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
