Apparently you make a good broom.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
