god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
