dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
