Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
