i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
