i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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