last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
