i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Walk of Shame today included voting.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
