If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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