My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
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