I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
