Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize
