I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
