Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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