I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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