Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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