My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize