Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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