Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You ruined the universe
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize