We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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