I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
